Since realising my bisexuality and coming to be somewhat okay with it most of my fantasies have been about men and trans women. Think this is built on such passionate curiosity to what it might be like. Plus allowing for my attraction to be there too.

Hm I do worry and am self conscious with painted nails around people (mostly men) who I assume/know are straight. But around queer people I want to show them more. Think it’s because I now don’t feel part of either maybe. The hiding is to pretend to fit into cis-Hetero and the showing is a way of proof that I am one of them maybe … either way it’s probably not needed. The most important thing is how it makes me feel. 

Can doing this help me see the best in people? Thinking the worst a lot at the moment with what I’m seeing in politics moving right and the ongoing genocide in Palestine. 

Thinking back on moments growing up. Watching movies and feeling something towards men and women. Any sexual activity irrespective of gender made me tingle. Using a pillow to prepare the hiding. Knowing it was something I needed to hide. 

Being a part of this project has allowed me to ‘come out’ and tell more and more people about my bisexuality which I’m really grateful for. It is met with confusion around being married to the opposite gender though which is funny. Definitely brings up conversations around norms of relationships in society and breaks that image a little for sure. 

Found out about trumps probable win today. Felt in a haze of horror, sadness, fright, anger, shame, hopelessness since. I can’t believe it’s happened again. Feeling scared for people in the queer community there, especially women and people of colour. 

I really have no idea what to say but I feel like I need to write. Feeling so much hurt. So much sorrow.