Seeing colour where there wasn’t before.

Even in this darkness.

From such euphoria

To utter despair

Finding a key piece of research 

Instantly dropping a full cup of coffee 

Anything to do with bisexuality?

Probably not. 

Or maybe. 

I’ll let you decide. 

Seen a cute guy today. 

Yeah.

I’m definitely bisexual. 

It’s come to a point where I don’t feel like painting my nails, is it that I’m tired and want to hide a little again? Is it because I’ve now booked a trip home to Wales for Christmas? Coincidence? I doubt it. People’s reactions in Wales are definitely on my mind, particularly my Dad’s.  Am I ready to have this conversation with them? I’m not sure right now. 

Painting them really is a sign to myself that it’s okay. Even if I still resist.

Early morning train to Stockholm. A “hiker guy” commented that he liked my perfume. Surprising interaction at 5:47 am but a nice one. Thank you kind stranger. 

After not seeing my partner for a few weeks then seeing her looking all cute on a Saturday morning at 9 am, I’m reminded of when she first came over at my door in college, dressed in all black, that tingle in the soul, that spark, that ripple, love in its most joyful form. 

Winter has come. Not feeling like I have much energy to deal with bisexuality thoughts right now. Think this is reflected through a lack of urge to be colourful. Just feel like burrowing and hibernating until spring. Then I can blossom once more.

No paint. No text. 

Such an urge to hide in the darkness. 

Back at it again with the red “vans” / nails 

Mind reading on the tram once again into frenzy. 

I actually did a decent paint job this time. At least on the left hand. 

Book title idea: “Breaking Free” 

*Cue Zack Efron HSM*

*Cue bisexual panic* 

Should I contact a guy to photograph a kiss between me and him as part of this project?

Maybe… prove that bisexuality exists? To myself?

What is the next “step” of this exploration journey/text?

Is it going on grinder? I really don’t know. Are there even steps? What am I going for? Why am I doing this?

I am very curious as to what “things” would be like. What it would be like to kiss a man for example … 

Talked to Saga a bit about this and it is an interesting concept this “need for bisexual proof” — definitely a theme to explore more

A poem about this would be if I can think of one…

Dress up together and take pics?

Drag?

Could be fun?

New working title?

“Am I bisexual now/yet?”

Self portraits of me and Saga

But could also photograph other queer couples intimately expressing my fantasies?

Help I woke up sober / bisexual?

I sobered up bisexual?

Images of me waking up / portraits?

Shooting on B&W film as a co-learning method??

Gaining awareness and insight together in the hopes of a better brighter queerer vegan future?

I think a lot of my bisexuality and queerness lies in my fantasies

Doesn’t necessarily mean I want them all to happen physically. But the thought is nice, and arousing.

Oh my goodness possible epiphany in the rain: have I not been able to love myself/my body because of internal homophobia? Feelings of shame when thinking about other male bodies transferring onto my own? 

The mirror has been such an object of pleasure and self attraction for me … as a way to explore my bisexuality and especially femme side … something to explore? Use of the mirror more? Just at home?

Working title: “Traces” ? 

As in “traces of bisexuality” ? 

Go back to places I was when younger and reflect on the experiences there… 

Lingering traces… 

         ⁃        Ninian Park 

         ⁃        West Palm

         ⁃        Golf

         ⁃        Nightlife/clubs 

Let bygones / bi-gones be bygones 

Imprints